One of my favorite poets is Robert Lowell and one of my favorite Robert Lowell lines isn’t from one of his poems at all. It’s from a letter he sent Elizabeth Bishop from a mental institution in 1958. “Talking about the past is like a cat’s trying to explain how it climbed down a ladder.”
I actually needed to read this today. I'm very... uh, passionate and say stupid things I don't mean at the height of an anxiety-driven blow up. And then I spend days explaining to the person I love that it wasn't really me, it was all the trauma responses and automatic defense mechanisms that made me lose my shit on him. But you're right. It's me, all the way down. And maybe owning it is the key to being a functional human.
I think you mean McLean hospital. My brother was there, though he did not write poetry. Maybe that was a good thing, given all the bad poetry in the world …
I will be thinking about this for a while, the way I now think a couple of times a week about how I’m the kind of person that maybe 60% of people will like, on a good day, too - there’s real relief and comfort in how you frame things. I look forward to these posts!
The lesson of humility to know one's self as frail and strong, smart and stupid, understanding and lost going head first down a ladder while thinking things are normal is human. Thanks for sharing.
Relationships are fluid on a table top that has two people holding it in the air, with hope keeping it level. When the liquid spills off the top or no longer resides on the surface, both people know it, but we hope and a little more liquidity in our conversation we will manage it better next time and try again. When both people see that one can not blame the other for losing control when both are engaged the mutual awareness becomes the connection that balances the relationship and a little spilt milk is expected because losing some control is what is real about being human. Thinking you must be in control all the time is not an easy reality to deal with, it is driven, egocentric, and obsessive. Relationships work best when we both lighten up, become humble and see ourselves in what others do, the good and the bad.
I actually needed to read this today. I'm very... uh, passionate and say stupid things I don't mean at the height of an anxiety-driven blow up. And then I spend days explaining to the person I love that it wasn't really me, it was all the trauma responses and automatic defense mechanisms that made me lose my shit on him. But you're right. It's me, all the way down. And maybe owning it is the key to being a functional human.
Anyway. Great post.
You're making me feel bad about not writing more.
Have you read Kay Redfield'a biography of Lowell and his bipolar disorder? https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/212341/robert-lowell-setting-the-river-on-fire-by-kay-redfield-jamison/
I think you mean McLean hospital. My brother was there, though he did not write poetry. Maybe that was a good thing, given all the bad poetry in the world …
I will be thinking about this for a while, the way I now think a couple of times a week about how I’m the kind of person that maybe 60% of people will like, on a good day, too - there’s real relief and comfort in how you frame things. I look forward to these posts!
The lesson of humility to know one's self as frail and strong, smart and stupid, understanding and lost going head first down a ladder while thinking things are normal is human. Thanks for sharing.
Relationships are fluid on a table top that has two people holding it in the air, with hope keeping it level. When the liquid spills off the top or no longer resides on the surface, both people know it, but we hope and a little more liquidity in our conversation we will manage it better next time and try again. When both people see that one can not blame the other for losing control when both are engaged the mutual awareness becomes the connection that balances the relationship and a little spilt milk is expected because losing some control is what is real about being human. Thinking you must be in control all the time is not an easy reality to deal with, it is driven, egocentric, and obsessive. Relationships work best when we both lighten up, become humble and see ourselves in what others do, the good and the bad.